Grief, Pain, and Regret

I'm having a very hard time dealing with my Grandmothers death. It was by no means sudden, but I guess I took it for granted that she would always be around. I thought I'd post what few photos I do have of her while she was alive to help me along the grieving process.

Here she is enjoying watching two of her great grand kids.

She never said a word to me while I was there, but I could tell from the look in her eyes that she knew who I was and what I was saying to her.

These were all taken the day that I found out that she was in a home. I had planned to visit her at the farm, but was informed last minute that she wasn't there. Prior to this I had no knowledge about her being put into a home, it was really hard for me to handle. Last I had seen her she was as strong as an ox.

Oh the regrets I have about not visiting more often after I left Oklahoma.

Hindsight's 20/20 right.

I don't have many photos of my grandmother, but luckily most of the ones I do have I was in frame also. I recently got these from my mother after her passing.

That's me in the little red dress with my Grandma K behind me. Maybe Payton got her height from my Grandmother?

Here she is in the back left of the picture in the orange shirt. I am in the blue and white shirt at the bottom. I have no idea what is going on in this photo, or even where it was taken, but I am glad to have it.

Here I am in front of my Grandma K with my cousin Melissa and her mother, Wynona, at my Grandma's house. I just loved those cat eyeglass frames of hers. The cards and photos always covered her walls. It was like going back in time each time we visited. It is hard rectifying the house now with how I remember it as a child.

This one was taken at my childhood home. I'm on my Grandma's lap with cousins Melissa and Christina. They were my favorite cousins, also really the only ones that I saw from my mother's side of the family. Their mom and mine were close, so that was good.

I have a really fun memory of being at a pizza place in Okeen with Missy, long, long ago. Our mothers were really having a good time and when we left, we sat in the back of my mom's car and sang "Elvira" as loud as we could.

This is the first person close to me that has passed away. I had been to only one other funeral in my lifetime and that was for Gregg's Grandfather some years ago. He was a good man and I was sad to see him go because I knew how much he meant to Gregg, but I didn't have a long history with him. I have no experience coping with such a loss. I wish I knew what to do, but all I can do is cry and worry and cry some more. The regret is really painful and I can't seem to make it more than an hour or two without a breakdown.

I was hoping that maybe venting on here would help, but it seems to have done nothing more than soaked my cheeks and keyboard.

Going Home

Monday, November 1, 2010 my Grandma K died. Gregg, the kids, and I traveled down to Fairview, OK on Friday to attend the funeral on Saturday, then traveled back so that Gregg could continue to "play war" at work on Sunday.

I thought I'd share a few photos with everyone.

This is a picture of my Grandmother, Claire Koehn Warner, when she was younger. She was born October 19, 1921 in Isabella, Oklahoma to Simon and Tillie Koehn. I think she was just beautiful.

Here are Payton and Austin walking through the Isabella cemetery after the service.

Austin and his second cousin, Summer, found a child's grave. As hard as it was to attend my Grandmothers funeral, she did have a good long life, unlike this small child.

Here we all are. My handsome husband was a pall bearer. He looked so spiffy in his uniform. I have sunglasses on because my eyes were all red and puffy, actually they still are.

After the funeral, we all went back to the Isabella church for some food and conversation. Here I am with my mom.

We changed clothes at the church and went back by the cemetery to see the grave all filled in.

Here I am with my Grandparents. If you click on the image, you can see the photo of the two of them, he was wearing a military uniform. They married April 13, 1945. My Grandpa died in 1952, my Grandmother never remarried.

Later we went back to my Grandma's farm, which had been vacant for years.

I spent quite a few weekends there with my Mother and Grandmother, so this was quite hard for me to see it in such disrepair. This place was once filled with life. She had cows, chickens, dogs, cats, ducks, you name it she had it.

My mother took this photo of me in my Grandma's bedroom where I sat and cried. I found the milk glass tea cups while there and felt that they would be a good keepsake. My eyes still hurt today from how much I have cried over the past week.

My Grandmother kept this farm going, with her 5 kids, all by herself. She was the strongest woman I've ever known. I have always admired her will and inner strength to just get things done, even when it seems impossible.

Here is my mom with one of her sisters, Wynona, who lives in Texas now. They grew up here on this farm.

Here I am on the very steps I used to play on as a child.

My kids loved being here, I only wish they could have seen it like it once was, full of joy and life.

Here I am with my Mother, Aunt, and cousins. It was so very good to see everyone, even if so much pain came with the visit.

Grandma K left behind 5 children, 9 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, and 4 great-great grandchildren. She was much loved by all.